Why Infomation Technology Needs Coffee

I work in a help desk nestled on the second floor of the IT department of a large company. They are rebuilding our break room and some building contractor, in his infinite wisdom, turned off the water supply to the break room upstairs and downstairs. Not a big deal except for one thing. No Coffee! I have never seen such a panic as I saw in the organizer of the rebuild. She sent out multiple Emails attempting to quiet the brood as they were plotting a mutiny. Sadly I was one of the group about to jump ship and ransack a nearby building looking for some coffee when the water came back on.

Why does the IT department require an abundant supply of this dark and foul tasting liquid? Because it is the giver of life for our kind. Just like the sun heats the earth and provides energy for it. Let’s face facts, people like a warm spot in a cold place. Bums sleep on steaming sewer covers in the winter time. Adults gather around hot tubs and Jacuzzis in the cold but never during the summer. And everyone likes warm socks fresh out of the drier.

What does all that nonsense have to do with Coffee? Everything! If you have never been in an IT labyrinth let me give you a few details. Usually there are countless hallways and doors, tiny offices, and a few cube farms, all housed in short, perfectly square windowless buildings, which contain more than enough climate control units to turn the entire building into a meat locker. Without coffee we would all freeze to death!

How to break up with a friend

This is for anyone who does not know how to break up with a friend, or has ever been dumped by friends.

1. The Direct Approach

Tell your friend strait up “Hi, you suck and I don’t ever want to see you, or speak to you again.” Probably the most hurtful method and I would question effectiveness. There is probably another method that would be much better received. I have never tried this method, I wanted to with a neighbor, but I think it was just easier to move, to a new state

2. Avoidance

A)Never call. Be friendly; even invite your friend over sometimes. But never call, ever. Nothing says leave me alone like leaving your friend out of your phone book. I had a friend for about 15 years and I cannot remember him ever calling.

B)Don’t answer the phone. I have known people to just not answer the phone or return phone calls. If you have a spouse or significant other that is not particularly friendly, they may answer the phone, buy you must always be busy.

C)Move, and don’t leave a forwarding address. Changing phone numbers and email addresses also helps. I have gotten rid of a few friends this way.

3. Annoyance

If you can’t beat them bother them. A friend of mine used to live by these words “If you are not annoyed I am not trying hard enough.” The premise here is if you make someone uncomfortable enough often enough they will eventually stop coming around.

4. Exclusion

Pick up a hobby or activity that you know the target friend does not enjoy or cannot do. And make sure you are involved in this activity when ever above said friend calls. As an example if you have illiterate friends, always hanging out at the library would be a turn off for sure. Be creative, claustrophobic friends will avoid you if you play cards in caves.

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Divorce Court

Because everyone will want to know, the whole story of what happened when I went to court to get divorced I will type it out once and for all so that the story stays the same and everyone gets all the details they want.

I filed for divorce October 2005, after discussing with my soon to be ex-wife. The process was going to be short and simple, or at least it should have been. I would file, she would get a notification letter, she would not respond and I would be divorced 2 months later because there was no answer. So I thought by the first of the year I would be divorced.

Not so fast, she filed an answer with the court that said she did not agree with divorce and did not believe that the marriage was actually over. So my lawyer and her lawyer went back and forth for 13 months over the issue. Finally a court date was set and I made the 8 hour trek back to Columbus to go to court.

I walk in the courthouse with 2 things in mind, the first being to make as little communication with the other side as possible. The second is to say as little as possible to the judge, because I sometimes suffer from foot in mouth disease. I was successful in making zero contact with her and I think I said 5 words to the judge.

Some things don’t go the way you planned; they wind up being much better. The judge was an hour late getting to the court room for the case. The other party sat motionless and quiet for the full hour, I don’t believe they moved or spoke at all from the time they sat down until the judge came in the room. Can you imagine the agony of sitting motionless in a cold court room for 60 minutes waiting for a judge to show up and tell you what you don’t want to hear? On the other side of the room my lawyer and I sat and chatted about the weather and work and real estate, and a good run of other things while we waited. Chatting just like you would if you were waiting at a restaurant for lunch.

Oh, I almost forgot, when her attorney/brother walked in, he handed us an “official” un-filed statement from his side. I have never seen anything like this before, and I even asked my lawyer for a copy that I could keep and frame. The document contained all the known facts: wedding day, separation date, property division, that there was no hope of reconciliation, and there were no real objections. It also said that she agreed with everything that the original divorce settlement contained, except the fact that the marriage was irretrievably broken. The letter went on to say that according to GA state law number [I don’t remember] states that if married persons are not able to live in the same house then the marriage is broken.

When the Judge arrived in the room my lawyer stood up, read the document that he was handed that morning, verified everything with me, and sat down. The judge looked at me and asked for questions, then looked at them and asked for questions. Then he granted the divorce noting that he felt bad for making us wait so long for something so simple.

As they left the room, devastated I’m sure, the judge asked my lawyer two questions that I hope they heard. The first being, who is that guy, does he practice around here? The second, my favorite, “He does know that all of this could have been done months ago without having to come to court?” I smiled to myself thinking how bad they looked holding up the process for thirteen months, just to agree to everything in the end.

MoRandum Thoughts

The Point of No Return / Moment of Reckoning

There is a small fraction of a second between the time you do something and the time your actions affect you. You know the exact second when you give the car door a good shove and you realize that the only keys are inside, then the door latches. What goes through your head at that exact moment? When you know you’re committed to something and you are totally powerless to change the outcome, and you don’t like the outcome. Another good example of this is when you hurt yourself. I have done this several times and have learned to laugh at myself, because after all people getting hurt is really funny.

This weekend I was taking a ladder down that was leaned up against the house for putting some lights up. Pulled the ladder away from the house and reached up to pull the lever that released the extension. Now why I pulled the lever at that exact moment in time I may never know, maybe it was a slight miscalculation of the force of gravity, maybe I thought I could support the weight of the ladder with one hand. Honestly I have no idea what I was thinking.
When I heard the latch ‘Click’ Time stopped just for a moment and I could hear myself thinking. “You know that was really a dumb thing to do and this is going to hurt, a Lot.” I’m sure I would have continued this conversation but the ladder struck me on the head. Now this took me into a whole new train of thought that went something like this. Ouch, now that hurt, I am probably going to bleed, a lot. Set the ladder back against something so it doesn’t fall again. Then I started Dripping. “Oh yea this might be really bad.

So I set the ladder down, as any sane person would, knelt down in the grass, and attempted to reason with a 9 year old about going to get her mother for assistance. The conversation went something like this. “Caity, go get your mother.” “Why?” “Because I need her.” “Why?” “Stop asking questions, and don’t look at me either” “Why not? OH MY!!!!” Fortunately her mother heard the loud thud and argument that ensued and appeared shortly to assist with stopping the blood flowing out of my forehead.

All of that story just because I was wondering. Does anyone else have these thoughts? Especially in that fraction of a second when you just know something is about to happen.